Week 681: Ticket to Write


Having spent her tykehood immersed in now-ancient Mad magazines, the
Empress has long been partial to clever song parodies. One problem with
parodies: They're not much fun to read if you don't know the song; in
past contests, geezers were mystified by a spoof of "Hey Ya," ungeezers
by a take on "Begin the Beguine." So we turn to a corpus with which every
reputable person of any age is intimately familiar. This week: Write a
jingle for a business (or its product), organization or government
agency, set to a Beatles song.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a hefty jar of Sultan's Paste (For Strength), a
Turkish blend of honey and 41 herbal products that, according to the
package, "has been formulated from the original recipe the ottoman
Sultan's Referres to on their harem lifes." It was donated by the
suspiciously strong-looking Phil Battey of Alexandria.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Oct. 3. Put "Week 681" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Oct. 22. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report From Week 677, in which we asked for poems based on articles in The Post or on
washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28 to Sept. 4.

Great week. The editors liked these so much that, as part of their continued effort to liven up the
paper to attract more readers, a memo is reportedly in the works
announcing that all news copy henceforth will be written as rhyming
doggerel, including the stock listings.

4 "Castles With Too Much Overhead"

I inherited a castle and I thought I was in heaven.
But now I see this fairy tale jumps right to Chapter 7.

(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3 "Adrian Fenty for Mayor" (editorial)

Cropp and Fenty, Fenty and Cropp,
One's gonna rise, and one's gonna drop.
Linda and Adrian, Adrian, Linda,
One's through the doorway, one's out the winda.
Twelfth of September, voters aplenty
Are making a choice. We're betting on Fenty.

(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

2 the winner of the gross fake ear:

"Ex-Colleague Says Armitage Was Source of CIA Leak"

Leakity squeakity
Richard L. Armitage,
Second at State, feels a
Morsel of shame:
More office gossip than
Neocon-spiracy,
Seems he's the source of the Valerie Blame.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

And the Winner of the Inker

"Autocrat Leads an Oil-Rich Country"

The president of Kazakhstan
Is not the world's most kindly man.
He pockets bribes, he steals elections,
Smiles at puppy vivisections,
Yet he suits us to a T.
What could fuel this bonhomie?
What elusive lubrication
Smooths away our confrontation?
Shall I name the substance that
Makes us love this autocrat?
Shall I let the word intrude?
That would be . . . crude.

(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Scoop Doggerel Dogs

"SAT Records Biggest Score Dip in 31 Years" and "Pope to Debate Evolution
With Former Students"

Results of this year's SAT
Show steep declines in problem-solving.
The pope explains, infallibly:
It's no surprise -- we're not evolving.

(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Mayoral candidate Adrian Fenty is quoted about the police chief: "There's
no way [Charles H.] Ramsey is probably going to serve another term."

The key is in the "probably": It makes the sentence mean,
"The chief will go, unless he stays; there ain't no in-between."
For rhetoric this slippery it takes cojones plenty --
There's probably no way the voters can't not go for Fenty!

(Brendan Beary)

"Couric Sheds 20 Pounds in Doctored Publicity Photo"

At CBS, some teenybopper
Took Ms. Couric's photo, cropped her,
Lopped her, chopped her, Photoshopped her
Down to size. And no one stopped her.
Katie Couric didn't thank her:
Weightiness becomes an anchor.

(David Smith)

"Polygamist Agrees to Face Sex Charges in Utah"

I won't fight Utah's petition
That leads to my extradition,
Though some thought I'd try to flee.
Isn't that so big o' me?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Nicotine Up Sharply in Many Cigarettes"

Higgledy piggledy
Modern-day cigarettes'
Nicotine levels are
Up quite a bit.
P.R.-instinctively,
Spokesmen aren't speaking -- 'cause
Smoke-screening habits are
Quite hard to quit.

(Anne Paris, Arlington)

"Gibbs Unhappy With All Phases"

Poor Joe could not believe his eyes,
His team had gotten burnt!
The offense blew, the defense too,
And special teams? They weren't.

(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

"New Candies are Sweet and Sour and Gross"

The trend in children's candy tends to fill me with alarm,
A gummy Band-Aid filled with "blood" that you tear off your arm!
But to really freak your parents out, here's all you need to know:
The prank works even better when they're on an HMO.

(Joe Newman, Bethesda)

"O'Malley Seeks $200,000 Principal Bonuses"

O'Malley wants to change the rules:
His way to cure the onuses
Of working in our direst schools
Is massive signing bonuses
(A principal deserves a bounty
For working in Prince George's County).
And though a pun should be abhorred,
I couldn't let the hint rest:
A frugal principal who scored
Could live upon the interest.

(David Smith)

"Japanese Women Catch the 'Korean Wave' "

A Tokyo she who wants a him
Prefers a him who's surnamed Kim.

(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

"Snyder Adds New Star to His Lineup: Cruise"

The amusement potential is kinda right:
It's Napoleon playing with dynamite.

(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Nation in Brief, Sept. 3

To catch the guy who robbed the bank,
The cops were all on watch,
Till the satchel with the money
Went kablooey! in his crotch.
A dye pack with a fuse was in
The money he'd demanded;
And so the cops saw his distress
And caught him red- umm, -handed.

(Brendan Beary)

"Medical Practices Blend Health and Faith"

For "rhythm only," this I share:
You'd better say another prayer.

(George Smith, Frederick)

"Rejected as a Planet, Pluto Has a Space in People's Hearts"

Twinkle, twinkle, planetoid
Out so far in inky void
Rocky core with ice encloaked
Your planethood has been revoked.
Despite the fact you have a moon
Your reputation they impugn.
But take some comfort in their crime --
They'll all be dead in one year's time.*

(Paul VerNooy, Wilmington, Del.)

*One year on Pluto is 248 Earth years.

"Jennifer Folta Weds Michael Teitelbaum"

Folta and Teitelbaum each made a vow
The priest and the rabbi drew raves.
Mixed marriages seem to be quite common now,
Though their ancestors spin in their graves.

(Rob Kloak, Springfield)

Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions

Next Week: Limerick Smackdown!, or Two Aces in a Doggerel Fight